Talking politics at the table
Five things to try this Thanksgiving, with lines from eight Arizonans who disagree with each other
The election was this month. At some point on Thursday, probably between the turkey and the pie, somebody at your table is going to bring it up. (It might be you.)
This fall, eight Arizonans recorded short videos about working with people they disagree with: two mayors, a Republican and a Democrat who served in Congress together, a Republican county recorder and a Democratic state representative, and one student each from ASU and U of A. They were talking about public life. We think some of what they said applies at dinner, so we've borrowed their lines. The five suggestions are ours.
1. Decide what you want from the conversation
"We weren't elected to win arguments," Tempe Mayor Corey Woods says in a video with Chandler Mayor Kevin Hartke. "People expect us to solve problems." Your table expects less of you than that. Before Thursday, pick one thing a single dinner can give you. Hearing how your sister got to her view is one. Telling her how you got to yours is another.
2. Start with something you both want
Pinal County Recorder Dana Lewis, a Republican, and State Representative Janeen Connolly, a Democrat, point to two things they say Arizona voters agree on across parties: protecting the water supply for the long term, and kids with strong reading, writing, and math skills. Your family has its own list. Most people in the room want the kids at the small table to do well and want the town they live in to work. Say one of those out loud before the hard subject comes up.
3. Ask a question and listen to all of the answer
"What matters is being willing to listen, understand where someone else is coming from, and finding a way forward," Hartke says. A few ways to start:
- How did you come to see it that way?
- What worries you most about it?
- Here's the part of your side's case I think is strongest. What am I missing?
Let them finish. If they ask you the same questions, answer them straight.
4. Assume they care
"Too many people our age assume those they disagree with don't actually care about the country," says Kennedy Jennings, a U of A student. Katie Ritchie, an ASU student, calls that "the gap we're trying to close," and says trust is what they're after. People make the same assumption at every age, and you may be making it about someone at your table. Whoever is passing you the stuffing voted the way they did for reasons, and most of those reasons have to do with people they love. You can say so out loud: "I know you care about this as much as I do."
5. Know when to pass the potatoes
Ron Barber, a Democrat, and Matt Salmon, a Republican, served in Congress at the same time and say they were on opposite sides more often than not. "Elections come to an end," Barber says in their video. Salmon finishes the thought: "Friendships don't have to. Ours didn't."
If voices are rising and nobody's listening, you're allowed to stop. Something like "I want to hear the rest of this, and I'd like to do it when it's just the two of us" works, as long as you follow up. Plenty of families skip politics at dinner altogether, and that's a fine choice too.